An open letter to A.S.B

Dear A S-B

I did reply to your last letter and I am stuck assuming that either you did not receive it or you did not particularly like the content of that letter. I apologize if either was the case.

Regarding the second of those two options, I did not mean to offend with the things I wrote. I did want to come clean about certain things like destroying your letters. I did NOT do that out of anger toward you or anyone. I did that mostly because of depression. I had printed emails and photos of a woman I developed a crush on from summer 2001 to late 2002. I think some letters from friends who I had no romantic attachment to were included in that too. As I said in the letter, I did this in mid December of 2003. Things were a mess in my life emotionally. Things always seem to be in turmoil for me from late November through to New Year’s. I don’t know. Seasonal depression? Holiday depression is more like it. I don’t mind cold months and poor weather. When the temperatures plummeted in the northeast, I spent time in it daily. I loved riding my bike in the near zero temperatures. I even biked on frozen sand along the iced over Barnegat Bay. I did that at night in the moonlight on New Year’s day. I felt I was turning a corner emotionally with the new year. This is common for me.

The other thing in that letter that I feel you may have taken offense to is my bringing up that cotton knit black flat top hat which I left behind with that spray pained black rose on that Saturday morning in late June ’96. I don’t want it back. I think back on that hat disappearing with amusement now. I didn’t bring it up in some kind of passive aggressive attack, I brought it up because I thought it was funny.

I have been tempted to write a letter to you without a reply to my last. It is possible the last one got lost because it was more than a little thick (10 pages I believe) and the postage might not have been enough. Then again, it would have been returned to me by now if that were true.

I mailed that back when I was feeling vulnerable too. The cold weeks came and like freezing a wart until it’s gone, it happened with that sense of vulnerability I felt in December.

I do hope what little advice I offered about overcoming anxiety while driving may have helped. Overcoming that hang up isn’t easy but you will know it when it happens. Suddenly, your confidence will just be there and your experiences and memories with that confidence will replace the negative experiences you may remember in your mind. They say drugs rewrite brain chemistry but so does thinking differently. I learned that from a book called Brain Lock.

I remember mentioning that Grad School story I wrote for a creative non-fiction class. It was about 45 pages long. I might have sent that to you if I still had a hard copy. I did check for one and did not find it. It must have been mislaid and I might have done that accidentally on purpose.. Whatever may be the case, I rather not have anyone see that paper. It could’ve been better written anyway. I didn’t get an in the A course and that paper was half of the grade at least.

Much like what you wrote (and felt) with your first letter to me, I have no idea if you will ever see this or even know if it applies to you. I can hope you will think to look here. I can understand why you wouldn’t. You must have seen that these posts go back to 2009 and haven’t been updated since, but there is a chance so here it is. I wish you well.



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